I'm Not There

A less-than-pleasant windy evening interfered with our plans to see Gov't Mule at an outdoor event last night. (Well, we did drive there and advance to as far as you can go without buying a ticket, enough to hear Walter Trout do a couple of blues numbers.) But instead of paying the too-high price for tickets with the chance of rain in the forecast, we drove back and settled in for a movie based on a recommendation from dear friend Matthew.

I'm Not There is a 2007 "musical drama film" about the several personalities of Bob Dylan. Roger Ebert called it "an attempt to consider the contradictions of Bob Dylan by building itself upon contradictions." Directed by Todd Haynes, the film uses a non-linear narrative to present "a series of shifting personae, each performed by a different actor - poet, prophet, outlaw, fake, star of electricity, rock 'n roll martyr, born-again Christian - seven identities braided together, seven organs pumping through one life story." (Wikipedia)

I know, it sounds like artistic drivel, doesn't it? If you've seen it, you understand. If you haven't . . . well, consider doing so. If you know anything at all about Bob Dylan, you will "get" it. And even if you know nothing other than "Blowing in the Wind," you'll still be captivated by the artistry of the film.

Anyway, I've been considering what my own "seven identities" might be. What seven organs are pumping through my life story? As the director of my very own drama, I came up with these: fearful child, misfit teen, hippie, mother, widow, and bucket-lister. I know, that's only six. Wait for it.

In I'm Not There, different actors (including Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Cate Blanchett, and Richard Gere) play different characters, each addressing some aspect of Dylan's life and accompanying personality at the time. So I decided to make an attempt at creating my own characters and then casting the movie. This was harder than you would think. And while I am certain that I will change my mind dozens of times, here's what I've come up with so far:

1. As a child, I was shy and full of fear. Not only did I buy the whole "burning in hell" threat that the nuns held over my head, I was also terrified of drowning in quicksand. But I had a lot of empathy, mostly for animals and inanimate objects. And all I really wanted was to be loved. (My grandmother satisfied that need more than anyone else.) So I think I would like to cast a Golden Retriever to play this part of me. His name will be Charlie Brown.

2. Every teen is a misfit teen, right? I don't think I really knew where I belonged, but I do recall that the only thing I wanted to be was "popular," whatever that means. Sometimes I was the mean girl, and sometimes I was the goody-two-shoes. Sometimes I was the subject of slut-shaming; always I wanted my father to love me. I'm having trouble casting this one, but now that I've brought up Peanuts, maybe I'll cast Lucy. Sometimes she'll pull the football away, but sometimes she'll keep it in place.

3. One's 20s are a confusing decade. Mine started out wild, with me acting like a hippie-child, but beginning a career as a teacher subdued me a bit. A bit, I said. There was still that passion for concerts and parties and living a little bit on the edge. At the same time, I was writing, pursuing graduate degrees, and being responsible. And I think I was a good teacher. I'd like this part of the film to be shot in black and white and star Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders. She'll just be a teacher instead of a rock star. But I could change my mind and star Murphy Brown, played, of course, by a young Candace Bergen.

4. I was in my mid-30s when I started my family, so I'd had a lot of time to sow my wild oats before settling down into domesticity. And I settled in like a mama bear in a cave. Despite living a life of frugality, we indulged our kids, especially in books. I worked hard to recreate the Easters and Christmases of my own childhood, but I upped it a bit. Halloween costumes were home-made, themed birthday parties were held at home, Christmas took a couple of months to prepare, and the house was decorated for every holiday we knew. Because I am proud of this "organ" of my life, I am going to cast Dustin Hoffman here as the nurturing parent who sacrifices everything for his family. His character name will be Brady Cleaver.

5. I was widowed at 52. (My husband was 45.) My daughters were teenagers, my son was ten. I retired from my teaching career to devote myself to raising my family. Ten graduations, twelve years of college tuitions, an unknown number of doctor and dentist appointments, school events, chauffeuring, driving lessons . . . and a whole lot of worrying. (They turned out okay.) I'm not sure if I'm going to cast Carly Simon or Diane Keaton in this role, but the character's name might be Jackie.

6. I know the idea of a bucket list is to be able to cross things off it. I do that, but somehow, it keeps getting longer. I am acutely aware of the passing of time. It takes a lot of self-control to stop from obsessing about exiting the planet before everything on the list is crossed off. The reality, of course, is that everything won't be crossed off. I want to make a conscious effort to celebrate the things that have been crossed off instead of worrying about the things that will remain on the list after I'm gone. This part of me was easy to cast. It will be played by Betty White, and the character's name will be Betty White.

So there you go. That's my movie. I was going to title it I'm Still Here, but Joaquin Phoenix already took that. I'll let you know when I come up with a title. Your suggestions are welcome.

Oh, the seventh identity? That would be "blogger." I'm playing the part.