Woodchuck Nation

When woodchucks ate Paul Ryan's car last month, I applauded them for joining the Resistance. Their strategy was to feast on electrical wires in the Chevy Suburban, which Ryan had parked at his mother's house. (Congressional privilege allows Ryan to be driven wherever he wants to go, rendering the Suburban unnecessary.) The woodchucks rendered the Suburban undriveable, and as a result, thoughts and prayers were sent to Ryan on the death of his Chevy by murderous varmints.

It seems that woodchucks (also known as groundhogs, whistle-pigs, or land-beavers) are attracted to radiator fluid, enticing them to eat car parts. Woodchucks are also attracted to flower and vegetable gardens, which is why they are the subject of this post. I finally caught one of the critters in my Havaheart trap this morning, necessitating a Sunday morning drive up to the mountain, the requisite six miles away. The trap has been reset, waiting for the rest of the family to surrender.

There are several ways to keep groundhogs away from one's garden, the most powerful being lion urine. Just spray it around the perimeter of the garden, and the groundhogs will get the hint. Unfortunately, there were no lions around to help me out, so I had to resort to a trap. What to put in it? Basically, groundhogs like anything green, but they also enjoy red strawberries and over-ripe bananas. A friend suggested dog food as a surefire bait, but I resisted buying a bag, as it would stoke memories of my beloved Mack, my last dog, gone nearly five years now. (By the way, I never had a groundhog problem until I lost Mack.) One source I consulted suggested pouring vanilla extract on the bait to lure the critters in. That seems like a terrible waste of vanilla extract, which comes in those very, very tiny and expensive bottles, so I said no thank you to that suggestion. Lettuce, strawberries, and broccoli drew my woodchuck in.

But back to the Resistance. I'm not sure what the woodchuck ideology is or what issues are on their platform, but I suspect they might be sympathetic to the take-a-knee movement. In June of this year, woodchucks were implicated in the stealing of American flags at a veterans' cemetery in Adams, Massachusetts. Apparently, bits of flag material were found at entrances to the groundhogs' burrows, evidence enough for an indictment. Part of the Resistance? Maybe not. A similar thing occurred in Hudson, New York, in 2012, three years before Ryan became Speaker and four years before tRump was elected. But maybe those woodchucks knew what was coming.

We all know what's coming now, because every day is the same. We wake up to Presidential tweets and lies, the same as yesterday. "Fake news." "The Wall." "No collusion." It's the same every day, a veritable Groundhog Day life. Let me end this by quoting from Bill Murray's character in the 1993 movie Groundhog Day. (The Woodchuck Resistance gave me permission to tweak the quote just a bit.)

"There is no way that this nightmare is ever going to end as long as this tyrant keeps adoring his shadow. I don't see any other way out. He's got to be stopped. And I have to stop him."

Save us, Phil Connors. Save us.