Friday, August 31, 2018

The Rules of Grieving

There are none.

While I've been continuing my mission to use every damn tomato in my garden by making batch upon batch of sauce to freeze for later use, the soundtrack to my efforts has been dual coverage of the funerals for John McCain and Aretha Franklin. The contrast between these memorials is blatant. One is sad and somber and full of protocol. The other is joyous and casual and full of music. Is one more appropriate than the other? Of course not. There are many ways to grieve. Which funeral would I rather be at? Well, neither. I did not know either of these amazing people personally. And their deaths do not affect me.

Having said that, I am not displeased with the 24/7 coverage of this time of national mourning. There is something healing about the idea that we, as a nation, can collectively witness the respect being shown to two icons of my generation. There has been a serious lack of R-E-S-P-E-C-T in the American discourse for quite some time now. And we all know who is to blame for that. Honoring McCain and Franklin has allowed us to take a step back and remember who we are, what we value, and how we can proceed from here. I wish I believed that things might change, but our memories are short on such things, and it is more likely that we will just resume the animosity and vitriol of our current political behavior.

"Respect" was released in 1967. Although Motown provided the soundtrack for much of my teenage years, by 1967 there was just too much good music from which to choose, and I recall being somewhat annoyed by that song that just kept spelling out a word. I was into the British Invasion, folk music, Bob Dylan, The Doors, and yes, the last remnants of surfing music. So I can't say that Aretha rocked my world. Nonetheless, I knew she was a force, a powerful one, and I gave her the respect she demanded. The last few days have brought to light, for me, more of just how powerful she was. Her contribution to the Civil Rights Movement, her devotion to her people in Detroit, and the collection of personalities that called her "friend" painted a portrait of a woman who was inspirational, to say the least.

As many of my friends will say, I, too, did not always agree with John McCain. I am still angry that he introduced us to Sarah Palin and the subsequent rise of bad behavior in our politics. But prior to that unfortunate decision and again, after the chaos had settled down, I always wanted to hear what McCain had to say. I cheered him, I booed him, but I was never unhappy that he was there. His thumbs-down on the repeal of the Affordable Care Act confirmed that position. But one of the most despicable political acts in recent history was draft-dodging 45's dismissal of McCain's status as hero by claiming that he was only a hero because he was captured.

Well, it looks to me that now there is no question in the minds of most Americans that McCain is, indeed, a hero. Although I stated above that his death does not affect me, what I am hoping for is that his death will affect those who still support 45. His stature, his reputation, and his legacy seem even larger in death than they were in life. What a contrast to the whining, childish, egotistical, narcissistic, mean-spirited, dangerous, and stupid man who could not even bring himself to honor John McCain, the great patriot.

I began by stating that there are no rules of grieving. I take that back. There is one rule: take something positive away from the source of your grief. Two people who embodied what it means to be an American have left us. Honor their lives by emulating their devotion to truth, to family, to country. And by extension, reject those who do the opposite.




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